Hi, my name is… what?

Derrick “Steph” Rose had another great game yesterday.  Would’ve made Marbury proud.

26 points (HELLZ YEAH!!), 11-20 shooting (above average!), 2 turnovers (not bad!), 3 assists (horrible!)

For those of you saying that 3 assists isn’t that bad, Stephon Marbury has averaged ALMOST EIGHT assists a game in his career.  I never said Steph was bad, just that Rose was gonna be a middle class man’s marbury.  He might not even be that.  Again it’s pretty early, but I’m pretty confident right now.

May I Have Your Attention Please?

If this is the guy is gonna score 20 points a game then the Celtics don’t deserve to win the Finals. Seriously. I mean this guy? And maybe I’m actin’ like I never seen a white person before, Jaws all on the floor like Pam, like Tommy just burst in the door, but this guy should never score more than like 8 points in a game. I don’t think I’m saying it just cause he’s white. He’s also bad at basketball. I think. Whatever. And yeah, this post is just an excuse to add to the ever growing “eminem references” label.

Are you obsessed with Bill Plaschke?

Lemme answer this. Obsessed is a strong word. How do I put this? (To Bill Plaschke) “I’m sick of you bad professional writers. All you do is annoy me. So I’ve been sent here to destroy you.” Yeah, that works. Thanks for helpin me with that line, Marshall.

The Lakers are doing awesome. Awesomely awesome. They are the second team to make it to the Conference Finals. If only I could create a cool metaphor for this…

A season that began in tiny torn pieces is halfway toward becoming one eye-popping, jaw-dropping quilt.

Nope.

A dreamcoat, it would be.

Are we comparing the Lakers to Joseph from the Bible now? You know Joseph was beaten nearly to death by his brothers right after he received his “dreamcoat.” Who are the brothers in this scenario? The Hornets?

Eight more wins, it would take.

Ok, it all makes sense now. Plaschke is fluent in Chinese only. So he types what he wants to write into freetranslation.com and translates directly to English (don’t bother paying those professionals, what a rip-off!). That is the only explanation I have for how awful this sentence is. 另外八次勝利，它會拿。!!!

The Lakers on Friday reached the midway point of their patchwork journey toward a previously unimaginable NBA title in typical many-colored fashion.

Quilt reference #2!

They turned out the lights on the league’s best home court.

They put out the fire in the league’s most consistently intense team.

What is with his obsession with these strange mixed metaphors? He always uses them, they never make sense, and he always lists like two or three in a row just for good measure.

They ruined Utah native Pip Pirrup’s new Pettycoat with their intense defense.

Kobe’s game was the Crème brûlée compared to Carlos Boozer’s Hungryman Microwave dinner.

Just kidding. I wrote those myself. But you actually believed he had written that for a second didn’t you?

Didn’t you?

Game, Set, Wasatch.

Anyone have any idea what Wasatch means? Is this an LA thing? Am I to dumb at sports to understand? I have no idea what this means.

Denver done, Utah used, two series gone, two more to go, the Lakers now set to enjoy home-court advantage in the conference finals against the winner of Monday’s semifinal Game 7 between New Orleans and San Antonio.

Good factualness, but “Utah used?” I like to think the metaphor he’s goin for here can only be truly understood by some middle aged lady in LA that Plaschke used to date. I’ll get you Plaschke!

But at this point in the postseason, everyone is watching the Lakers.

I’m pretty sure this isn’t true. I’m pretty sure Eastern Conference teams have enough to deal with right now. I’m pretty sure Kevin Garnett just meditates 22 hours a day and the other 2 hours are dedicated to practice and eating some weird concoction that looks like gruel.

When spring began, most pegged the Lakers as a conference finals team at best, or perhaps potential losers in the NBA Finals to the Boston Celtics.

This isn’t really correct. Nobody really had any idea what was gonna happen this year. Except that Boston or Detroit was coming out of the East. And that definitely will still happen (seriously, if the Cavs advance, Pistons in 5).

So far in this postseason, the Lakers have been the only team to sweep a series.

Not as impressive as the Pistons beating the Magic (I like that I challenge what he says even though he now thinks that the Lakers are looking awesome, which is what I’ve been saying all along. Somehow he still manages to be wrong.)

So far, they are only the second team to win a conference semifinal game on the road.

The Pistons were the first, so yeah, they were more impressive here too.

So far, they have racked up the most impressive two-game stretch of anybody, leading from start to finish in their last two games against the 54-win Jazz.

Possible, but I’m gonna disagree because the Pistons have been sitting at home for like 6 days now. I’m also docking him for previously writing about Pau Gasol being scared and stuff, and now saying the Lakers are good.

So far, nobody has looked tougher or smarter or better.

Pistons.

Are they really good enough to not only reach the Finals, but win there?

Yeah definitely, WE ALL KNEW THIS ALREADY. But it is the playoffs, so crazy stuff could happen.

Put it another way:

Is there any question they haven’t answered?

1) Why did this team lose to the Celtics by twenty twice, but is cruising through the playoffs while the Celtics are struggling?

2) Why doesn’t Lamar Odom get the ball more?

3) Why does jordan Farmar ever play?

4) A pirate ship holding five pirates finds a treasure of 1000 golden coins. The treasure must be split among the five pirates. They are, in order of rank: Pirate 1, Pirate 2, Pirate 3, Pirate 4, and Pirate 5.

The pirates have three important characteristics: infinitely smart, infinitely bloodthirsty, and infinitely greedy.

Starting with the lowest ranked Pirate 5, they each must propose a way to split the treasure among them. If the proposal is not accepted by a majority of the pirates, the proposing pirate will be thrown overboard.

What proposal should Pirate 5 make?

I definitely want to see Kobe try to answer that one. (and yes I do know the answer, and yes I did copy it from another site)

With the exception of that strange overtime in Game 4, Bryant deferred to his teammates when his back was aching or his jump shot was jiggling, and his teammates responded.

So when a jump shot “jiggles” that means its missing? Ok, noted.

Eight wins down, eight wins to go, halfway there, feels like halfway home.

Hey, not a usual infinitely chessy/horrible last line from Plaschke. This sounds more like a last line of a mildly not bad college essay. I’d say this line puts Plaschke somewhere between Worchester Polytechnic Institute and Providence College. Solid schools.

Good job Billy! You’ll make us proud someday. Just don’t ever become a writer.

This is gonna be my last post for a few days, probably. I’m traveling to the other side of Boston because a hobo friend of mine told me that there were a few bridges down there that never leak, and are in close vicinity to one of those nun places that give away free food. I love stale bread. I don’t promise that I won’t try to post from the road, but just don’t expect the same quality. If it’s possible to expect worse, do that.

Football News

Romo – Simpson Breakup?

According to this source, the fun is over. That’s too bad – I really enjoyed Romo’s worse play (except when he was on my fantasy team). Don’t worry Dallas fans, I’m sure T.O. will step up his game to fill the drama void. Remember him wearing the Lance Armstrong jersey to ride on the exercise bike? Maybe this year he’ll put on a Kobe Bryant jersey and jump over cars during Cowboys training camp. Also, it’s sure to be a fun season with so many criminals packed on one squad.

Ryan Perrilloux to Jacksonville St.

Source. I’d say that’s not too bad for him considering he gets to play immediately at the D-II school. I still think it’s pretty dumb to do anything that would get you kicked off the defending national champion team, especially when you’re basically guaranteed the starting QB job next year. The good news: when he turns pro, Dallas is always looking for players just like him.

Kenny Wright smokin’ weed

Good job man, I guess it makes sense to run from the cops considering you must be fast to be an NFL DB. However, this is another example of a player doing dumb things to get cut from his team – something that’s happening all too often nowadays in the NFL. I’m just glad that we got this liability off the Redskins before he caused us trouble. Next stop: Dallas? Ok, maybe this joke is old now.

James Hardy gone wild

Pulling a gun on your father? Terrible idea to get involved in anything questionable as an NFL rookie, especially as a receiver in Buffalo – behind Lee Evans quality becomes thin and he could make a considerable impact as a rookie.

The police report quoted the elder Hardy as saying his son has a lot of anger toward him because he was in prison when his son was young.

James Hardy, this is the NFL – if you can’t keep out of trouble with your family, it’s time to clean out the closet.