Tailer Made

We all like the sportsguy. Some more than others. But after reading this article I felt like Bill Simmons had written a letter to me.

“Dear The Other Shammgod

You thought I wouldn’t have seen this huh? You thought the fact that you guys at We Talkin’ ‘Bout Practice only have like 100 readers a day would mean that I wouldn’t read it. Well I’m gonna write an article for ESPN the magazine that is awesome in its ridiculousness and is totally calling you out for everything you believe in.

Truly Yours Forever,

Sportsguy”

Firstly I want to point out that I do not think I’m a better writer than Bill Simmons. I am an awful writer. I might be better than Bill Plaschke and that’s it. Simmons is also way funnier than me. He’s better ok? That doesn’t mean he’s allowed to be dumb and not get called out.

During the last few minutes of Game 6 of Boston’s second-round series with Cleveland, poor Kevin Garnett looked like Forrest Gump right after Jenny pulled her top down in her dorm room.

Weird analogy, but that’s fine. I’m just worried you’re gonna turn this into some sort of “Garnett isn’t ‘clutch’” articles. But you wouldn’t do that. You’re not dumb. You’re a redsox fan’s for Pete’s sake. We are all smart.

On one play, the ball swung to KG at the foul line; no Cav was within 10 feet of him. Strangely, he panicked, thinking about shooting an open J before realizing, Wait, I’m seven feet tall, that would be dumb, and barreling toward the basket to rush a clumsy jump hook.

Oh boy, it is gonna be one of those KG ain’t clutch articles. I take back what I said about redsox fans.

For a former MVP who makes $22 million a year, it was an astoundingly incompetent sequence.

So it’s surprising.

It also wasn’t a surprise.

Beep, Bop, Boop, errorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

Garnett’s crunch-time woes have been the dirty little secret of this storybook Celtics season.

The thing is, Simmons totally watches more Celtics games than me. For him to believe this is unconscionable. Seriously, he is searching for a reason for some of the celtics struggles and, as always, if you look hard enough you will find something that isn’t there.

Sure, he saved the franchise and made the C’s relevant again. He’s also the reason they might not win the 2008 championship. Put simply, Garnett shrinks from pressure more times than he comes through.

This is ridiculous. I can’t believe people still believe this. Really? Garnett is the reason they are losing? I KNOW YOU WATCH THE GAMES!!! How can you even think of writing this? It’s not Ray Allen? Bench guys not showing up on the road? Doc Rivers whom you hate so much? Random Chance? Sam Cassell? ?????????????????

The intriguing wrinkle with Garnett is he plays differently down the stretch by not playing differently. Selfless and passionate for 48 minutes a game, eight months a year, he can’t raise his game because it’s already raised.

Oh, so you’re not trying to make sense. Good players try hard for the whole game. Garnett is known for doing his best at all points in every game. He is always hustling and playing hard. This is exactly what you are saying. Hence, him doing just as well in the “clutch” is to be expected and to be appreciated. You are criticizing him for this? Do you have any idea what you are talking about? Garnett’s unselfish play is a GREAT thing to have in the “clutch”, just like it’s a great thing to have in the not clutch. He is willing to find the open man and isn’t always forcing up jumpers. Would you rather have a guy like AI taking on 4 guys and forcing up a fadeaway with a 20% chance of going in, or Garnett drawing a double team and finding an open Ray Allen, or Rajon Rondo or P.J. Brown? Sure KG is probably better than these guys, but wide open shots are good. PLEASE KG do not listen to these people and start jacking up crappy shots to prove you are “clutch.”

Sometimes, when Garnett’s adrenaline kicks in during crunch time it’s like watching a diabetic in the midst of a sugar rush. His body can’t handle it. When he succeeds, he loses his mind, pounding his chest, belting out profanities and hollering at the crowd like a crazy person. When he fails (and it’s happened a few times this season), his mistakes are unbelievably amateurish—intentional fouls when the team doesn’t need them, taking too many steps on his signature fall-away, that kind of stuff. The pressure gets to him. You can see it. In Game 4 of the first-round series with Atlanta, after a near-altercation with Zaza Pachulia, the camera found KG on the bench and he was practically hyperventilating.

Here’s how I will back up my claim: Seemingly made up observation, Anecdote, Anecdote, Anecdote

Good effort SG

To quote firejoemorgan, with this article Bill Simmons is “driving an Underwater StupidTank to Uninformed Thinking Island” if he thinks KG is a bad player to have in the “clutch.” At least the sportsguy’s not the coach.

Thanks goes to Eaglesforever for tipping me off about this article. Props. Also, if you hated this, blame him.

Caption this: Boston @ Cleveland

Was pretty bored, so I took a few screenshots during the game. This “quality” post means that for the first time, all 5 bloggers have posted in 1 day. Amazing accomplishment.

	“YOU! Section 205, Row 10, Seat 34! Are you cheering against ME?? I’ll show you what’s good after the game…”
	“hehe, you just took it 90%… should i take it the final 10%?”
	“dammit i need a haircut. i look straight out of a WNBA game.”
	Garnett: “lebron, when i drive home tonight, ima turn you into kenny smith.”
	ay bay bay
	“chuck, what’s on your lip?!?!”

Ok so this is probably uncalled for…

But I wanna make myself feel better after the celtics got destroyed in game three today.

Let me set the scene. Celtics are tied in the Eastern Conference Finals 1-1 with the New Jersey Nets. The Nets are up 21 going into the fourth quarter. The Fleet Center is pretty quiet. Antoine Walker yells at Paul Pierce during the intermission. Paul Pierce scores like three straight layups to start off the fourth quarter. The Celtics roar back. Place is going nuts. We pick it up Celtics still down 6 with about three minutes left in the game.

Just… awesome. My best moment as a Celtic fan (so maybe Im not 45 years old as my bio says). Sure we went on to lose the series in six, and we weren’t really any good after that until this year. But that moment was so sweet. I remember half way through the third quarter of that game, going outside and shooting hoops because I was so disgusted. After like ten minutes I thought, maybe I’ll just check the score. I got there right at the start of the fourth quarter, and the rest is history. Oh and Antoine, wherever you are (minnesota??) come back home buddy. We’ll let you shoot five threes a game. Just come back where you belong. This game is also part of the reason every Celtic fan will love Paul Pierce until they die. If I had to choose to get rid of two of the big three, I would choose garnett and allen with zero hesitation.

(tear) (not really)

And to make up for this awful (awesome?) post, here’s this for socal. I didn’t remember this happening so I saw it tonight for the first time. Crazy. Maybe better than Odom’s shot against Temple. Maybe…

Only Place You’ll Find KG Compared To A Scary Grocery Store Worker

Basically I got this idea when I recently got a job at a grocery store (just kidding Im still unemployed, and homeless). There are so many different types of people you meet there. Then I realized that there are so many different types of Celtic players. Then I realized it was 3 pm and I should probably wake up. Then I realized I could compare the workers and the celtics. Then i realized I had a blog where I could do this, all while making 0 dollars an hour. Then I realized I think I may have vastly overrated waffle house when comparing to Dennys. Then I realized I should get started on this writing thing.

Here we go: Comparing the Celtics to Supermarket Employees

Words you might need to know:

Block- straightening the items on the shelf (very time consuming)

Ring- Cashier duties

In no particular order…

Tony Allen- Works way to hard. Other employees don’t even really like him because he works so hard. Luckily the Manager doesn’t like him and always yells at him for mistakes made by everyone. Sometimes Tony does really stupid things like wait until after the store closes to get the shopping carts from the parking lot. If he wasn’t an idiot sometimes, and the boss liked him, he could really be a good employee. But he isn’t.

Sam Cassell- Really old. Way too old. There is definitely something wrong with him because he still works at a grocery store after all these years. He seems to be a good employee, recently he came up huge by blocking the store down in under three hours, but we are all waiting for the other shoe to drop. Why did krogers, whole foods, and stop and shop not want him?

Rajon Rondo- This guy’s going places. He makes most employees angry because he’s probably gonna end up in (gasp) college. We can see he’s skilled and cares about what he does. If only he didn’t hang with Tony Allen all the time, he might act like less of an idiot. Can ring you out in under a minute though. And gets carriages lightning fast.

P.J. Brown- Cassell’s creepy looking friend that follows him around. They are up to no good. We all know it.

Paul Pierce- We all love this guy. Always does what he is told. Even though he received a mild promotion a little while ago we still like him. We all think he could be the best employee we’ve ever seen. Nobody memorized all the vegetable codes as fast as him. He taught us all how to do our jobs with a smile on his face. But we all wonder… why is he still here? Why did he stay when we were losing money? We kinda feel bad for him. This year we’re doing well again though. Maybe he will reap the rewards. We all hope he does.

Leon Powe- Works hard and loves what he does, but isnt an idiot like Tony Allen. Unfortunately for Powe, he got stuck in the grocery department so he’ll never get promoted. We all know he’d move up if he were a cashier.

Brian Scalabrine- Makes more than most of us, which we all don’t understand. Never shows up to work, always calls out sick. When he does show up to work he’s irritable to customers and always screws up their change. But he does try hard. I’ll give him that. He tries hard, when he actually shows up. He should be fired soon, which is good.

Ray Allen- Extremely great worker, we know he is going places. Is the nicest guy you’ll ever meet. One time a customer tried to get him fired for explaining the sale items (the customer’s item wasn’t on sale- hence anger) and he just smiled right back. Customers and employees like him a lot.

Eddie House- We all think he’s cool, but after his hours decreased when Cassell came, he’s been acting different. We think he might be dealing drugs. Good for him I guess, at least he’s making money.

Scot Pollard- Total pot head. Deals drugs to kids in the break room. Has been talking to Eddie recently, hence the rumors starting. Once in a while he sweeps the aisles so the managers don’t totally hate him, but most of the time he’s just doing lines of coke off the top of the toilet paper dispenser in the bathroom.

Kevin Garnett- A very recent hire whom we were all afraid of until we talked to him. Is actually quite nice. He cares about his job a little too much. Is very talented though. He is also very tall so he can block the top shelf of the store without getting a crate to stand on. Scares customers, but once swept the entire store in under 5 minutes, and it was the best job I’ve ever seen. If only he didn’t look so scary…

James Posey- Really under appreciated. Store always looks better at the end of the night when he is working. Customers love him. But the managers never give him credit. They’ll miss him when he’s gone. Unfortunately for James, he’s pretty much under appreciated everywhere. He got fired from his previous job at KFC even though it totally wasn’t his fault. He may be stuck here for awhile, which is good for the store, but bad for James.

Glen Davis- Just really, really fat. Nobody knows how he got that fat on a grocery store clerk’s salary. Enjoys talking to customers so they like him. Because they like him, it makes him seem more valuable than he really is.

Adrian Wajnarowski hates the Celtics for no apparent reason

I realize these days if you call someone out or say something is the worst or best everrrrrr you get more hits (I read it too), but this is getting ridiculous. His first article was titled “Celtics Stand On Brink of Greatest Choke Ever.” Unfortunately for Wajnarowski (Wajna?) “choking” doesn’t exist, but thats an issue for another time. How bout the 67 win Mavericks? Oh they got caught in a bad matchup (and the Celtics didn’t). What about the 2006 Lakers? Oh they weren’t really that good. Seriously though, even if a Celtics loss would have been the greatest “choke” in NBA history, writing “Greatest Choke Ever” is an insult to Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, and the 2004 “Chokington Chokeville Chokers” called the Yankees.

But anyways… as if to try to defend his original article after the Celtics destroyed, pummeled, chewed up then spit out then picked up off the ground and chewed some more then given to a friend and chewed then stomped on and finally vomited on top of the Atlanta Hawks, he writes this. Wajna, U arrr dumbzzz.

Together, the sheepish Celtics dragged themselves to the Garden for Game 7 and delivered a predictable pounding of these young, immature Hawks, whose legs and leaping didn’t travel in the NBA playoffs.

This is certainly true. You know what counts as a category when measuring goodness at basketball? Being able to play on the road. You know what also measures your goodness? Winning playoff series.

And so to watch Kevin Garnett give the throat slash gesture and bark, “It’s over,” to a screaming sellout near the end of the Game 7 trashing, to witness the euphoria for a series that should’ve been a sweep, leaves you wondering: Why were the Celtics celebrating when they should simply be slinking to Game 1 of the Eastern Conference semifinals?

As a Celtics fan let me answer this while fighting off all eleventy billion celtics fans who also want to answer this. We SUCCCKKKKKED last year. We SUCCKKED (notice the less C’s and K’s, we sucked a little less) the year before. Winning a playoff series is F’n awesome. And all teams celebrate winning playoff series. I mean, the NY Giants celebrated losing to the NE Patriots after the last week of the football season, and I think things worked out for them. Seriously, on behalf of Celtic fans or people who watch any kind of basketball, F U Wajna. You have no idea what you are talking about.

Old demons returned for them: KG passing on big shots,

Nope, this is wrong (and is passing on big shots a very bad thing? Answer: no)

Pierce losing his cool

yup

and Allen losing his shooting touch.

No, No, No, Nope, Nunca, Nine, No, and Nope

Maybe the Celtics acted like the kids walking out of school at 5 o’clock, bragging about how well they had behaved in detention.

Forget it, you’ve convinced me. I will stop writing this article now…….. NOT! (Hi-yoooo!).

To dismiss this seven-game series as merely a product of the Hawks’ young legs underestimates the Celtics’ uncertainties. They are long on regular season accomplishments and short on playoff production. James Posey and Sam Cassell have championships, but Garnett, Pierce and Allen bring postseason baggage to these playoffs.

Ok this actually makes me happy. Because like, I normally want my sports writers to be smart, but when they insult my teams, I secretly hope they are really dumb. Whew… Wajna is really dumb. James Posey and Sam Cassell have championships!! Put them in!! Take that bum garnett OUT!!

Seriously, how much longer are we gonna have to go over this? Garnett didn’t lose in the playoffs because of him. He made the COnference finals with fricken like Derrick Martin and Wally Sczcerbiak as the number two and three guys or somethin. Maybe he had Sprewell too. Remember when Garnett made Marbury look like John Stockton? Seems like a long time ago. Anyways, Garnett wasn’t the reason they lost.

Pierce carried the Celtics to the Conference Finals in 2002 with Antoine Walker taking a bazillion shots and Tony Battie at Center. Tony Battie at Center. Ray Allen played on a few ok Bucks and Sonics teams. Point is, it is absolutely certainly not these guys’ faults that their teams didn’t win finals. You need like five guys on a team or something.

But at least Wajna makes a consistent argument…

Game 1, Tuesday night in the Garden. All those young legs in Atlanta, all that greatness in King James, and toughness in Detroit, and championship pedigrees on those Western powers, and one truth is still unchanged in these playoffs: If you can’t win in Boston, you’re in trouble.

Oh. So the Celtics might not completely suck? Oh. Thanks Wajna. And if the Celts lose game one, this post may be deleted, but I will never say I respect you, you hear me Wajna? No? You don’t read new sports blogs that cover women’s basketball a lot? Ok fine. How bout you relax a bit, Wajna. Just stop writing for awhile.