Kobe Fouls a Reporter

It’s kind of frustrating how likable Kobe is a lot of the time.  I mean, he doesn’t travel like Lebron.  He gets calls, but no where near as many as D-Wade. And now he’s teaching us all how to play basketball.  The shooting tips are pretty good.  His defensive tips are cheap (and theyre all fouls) but, hey, I guess it works in pick up.

Try to mostly ignore the reporter who nods way too much.

Oh, and yeah, because Kobe says to stretch, I guess I will now.

This Post is Like a George Gervin Hook Shot

You don’t have to watch this video. It barely has anything to do with sports.  Nevertheless…

O, Keith Obermann you patronizingly haughty bastard you.  Do you have to use the word “sanguine”?  Even if you use it correctly you sound like an a-hole.

Anyway I post this because, well, can we stop using inappropriate sports metaphors/similes for things?  I don’t care how much Obama “owned” this reporter, it wasn’t comparable to a “Kobe Bryant… reverse 360 windmill tomohawk jam.”  One is politics and one is sports.

I realize we like to compare things we may not know much about (politics- certainly for me) to things we do understand, and in the end this post is nitpicky as hell, but still, cmon.

If Kobe Bryant ever pulled off a 360 windmill tomohawk jam in a game on some dude face that would be one of the greatest basketball highlights in the history of the game. I don’t think an answer at a random press conference is one of the most important things a US President has ever done.

I want Obermann to go back to when he commented on sports and when he went crazy with his supercilliousness and his huge words it was almost a joke, because he was using those words and talking about sports.  Now that he’s talking about politics he almost can’t help but be taken seriously.  And now he seems like a jackass instead of a funny sarcastic guy.

Why Does Everyone Love Michael Jordan…

But hate Kobe Bryant?

I’m writing this after watching Jordan destroy Craig Ehlo in game 5 in 1989 (love classic NBA).  It reminded me of all those classic Jordan performances and I realized something.

As much as everyone hates to compare people to Jordan, Kobe and Michael are a lot alike.

Kobe’s selfish, but so was Michael.  People say Kobe is a bad teammate, but Michael Jordan can be seen yelling at Scottie Pippen to give him the ball after Pippen made a great shot in the Finals against the Jazz (I think it was 1997 game 5).   Jordan also famously fought Steve Kerr.

I guess you could say that Kobe has never won a championship as the number one guy, but people don’t hate Kobe because he is bad.  I kind of think people hate him because he is good, yet annoying or jerkish.

I guess the point of this blabbering post is, it’s kind of unfair.  Jordan wasn’t a saint, but he was just cooler.  People liked him more, maybe becasue of things like this?

Kobe also had the rape thing.

Ok Kobe. Fine.

Kobe keeps doing things that make me want to like him.  Im not sure I can but whatever.  This is even better than “shootin free throws like crap.”

I saw this on thebiglead, and like that guy, I have no idea if it is real.  I hope it is.

Bill Plaschke: I Will Destroy You

It’s kinda fun to point out when someone is awful at something. Bill Plaschke is awful at writing. I wanted to cheer myself up so here’s his newest piece. I laughed, I cried, I plaschked.

First, the back spasms.

Then, the blame spasms.

Plaschke is always money with his opening lines. Workin hard or (check this) HARDLY WORKIN?!! Puns/word games are a plaschke staple- so you know he’s good.

And only on the Lakers, it seems, could a newly crowned MVP once again find himself smack in the middle of the smack.

I think I’ll find that the Lakers are fine. Seemingly untrapped in a pile of crazy, evil, interweaving “smack,” but ol’ Billy just wants to make up a story about something that isn’t there.

Playing through three hours worth of back pain that literally dropped him to his knees on a Sunday afternoon here, Kobe Bryant was splendidly, brilliantly tough in the Lakers’ 123-115 overtime playoff loss to the Utah Jazz.

Kobe was ok. But he was also, like, weird.

But he was also, like, weird.

Stop stealing my lines!

Kobe shot the ball kind of badly. You can’t really blame him. He was a little injured.

Bryant valiantly carried the Lakers through regulation’s final five minutes, using his head and his heart and the best Mother’s Day passing that didn’t involve a brunch plate.

But once he pulled his team into the overtime, he seemingly abandoned them there. He insisted on shooting even as his wracked body was betraying those shots. He forgot about passing even though that is what the Lakers had done best.

Kobe is good. He’s allowed to shoot. He’s good at shooting. He’s not a perfect passer. He’s close to a perfect offensive player. Him shooting is good. He didn’t “abandon” them. He did the opposite and you’re blaming him for it. He unabandoned them too much because he missed some shots he’s made before. Give him a break.

And afterward, the confusion became even more confusing.

It’s really not that confusing. Recap: Kobe played pretty well. He helped them come back, he missed a few shots in overtime, the lakers lost, and Bill Plaschke is a bad writer.

Whatever, not much else to be gleaned from this article, Plaschke just keeps dissing Kobe when it’s not really called for. At least we get this quote from Lamar Odom,

“P.J. is the coach, he’s watching from the sidelines, he sees things different than we do, and sometimes P.J. just says things to get us going.”

He called his coach Phil Jackson “P.J.” Now that’s awesome. No “Coach Phil”, or “Mr. Jackson.” Just “P.J.”

In case I’ve never pointed this out, Odom is the man and Plaschke is not.

NBA All-Defense

Coaches voted on the NBA All-Defense teams today, and you can see the complete list here. But, as usual, the coaches had some issues in figuring out who really belonged.

Let’s start with the big man. Ok, so Marcus Camby does get a lot of blocks, but one only needs to look at the Nuggets’ defensive numbers to know that he isn’t exactly “anchoring” the team defense. He constantly gambles to get blocks, leaving his help defender hopelessly inept to stop the easy bucket in the paint if Camby misses. Unfortunately, I can’t really think of a solid defender at the 5 – Stoudemire only cares about dunking, Pau Gasol is a little soft, Horford, Dalembert and Chandler are not focused enough, and you only have to ask Stan Van Gundy what he thinks of Superman’s D.

OUR PICK – put Duncan at the 5 and pick a new forward. or give me another suggestion in the comment section

Next to Kobe Bryant. Now you only have to check the name of this author to know that I’m kind of a big fan. But, Shane Battier really should have taken precedent, mainly because of the defense he plays on “the Black Mamba” himself. Some of Kobe’s worst games this season came against the Rockets, and you can credit the Duke defender for locking down on the MVP. Just look at Bryant’s 24 pt, 11-33 shooting, 2 assist output against Houston on March 16 and you can see why Battier should be a first teamer.

OUR PICK – Put Battier on the first team, and bump up Tayshaun Prince too instead of Camby. Prince’s long arms harass any scoring threat. Just ask LeBron, Kobe, and Reggie Miller, too. You can put Kobe on the second team, or even James, who beats Bryant in blocks and rebounds.

And finally, Chris Paul. Now, how is it that one of the most undersized guards in the league who gets burned by nearly every point guard not named Jason Kidd gets a nod for all-Defense? Paul was my pick for MVP, but just because he gets a lot of steals doesn’t mean he’s a solid defender. He hurts his team defensively when he’s on the floor, but the plus-minus won’t show it because he’s one of the most complete offensive threats in the game. Opposing coaches don’t worry about Paul taking out their best scorer – this was a lazy attempt to fill out ballots just by pulling up a list of league leaders in “defensive stats” on espn.com

If you disagree, tell us what you think. I’m more than used to criticism.

Ok so this is probably uncalled for…

But I wanna make myself feel better after the celtics got destroyed in game three today.

Let me set the scene. Celtics are tied in the Eastern Conference Finals 1-1 with the New Jersey Nets. The Nets are up 21 going into the fourth quarter. The Fleet Center is pretty quiet. Antoine Walker yells at Paul Pierce during the intermission. Paul Pierce scores like three straight layups to start off the fourth quarter. The Celtics roar back. Place is going nuts. We pick it up Celtics still down 6 with about three minutes left in the game.

Just… awesome. My best moment as a Celtic fan (so maybe Im not 45 years old as my bio says). Sure we went on to lose the series in six, and we weren’t really any good after that until this year. But that moment was so sweet. I remember half way through the third quarter of that game, going outside and shooting hoops because I was so disgusted. After like ten minutes I thought, maybe I’ll just check the score. I got there right at the start of the fourth quarter, and the rest is history. Oh and Antoine, wherever you are (minnesota??) come back home buddy. We’ll let you shoot five threes a game. Just come back where you belong. This game is also part of the reason every Celtic fan will love Paul Pierce until they die. If I had to choose to get rid of two of the big three, I would choose garnett and allen with zero hesitation.

(tear) (not really)

And to make up for this awful (awesome?) post, here’s this for socal. I didn’t remember this happening so I saw it tonight for the first time. Crazy. Maybe better than Odom’s shot against Temple. Maybe…

I Guess I’ll Be Posting Unchecked About The Lakers

There was gonna be a Laker fan contributing to this blog, but now that there isnt… Lakers suck.

With that out of the way, lets take a look at this timeless classic from Bill Plaschke.

Big bristly brooms were everywhere in these NBA playoffs, giant kitchen cleaners such as Tim Duncan and Kevin Garnett.

We’re off to a great start. Already we see words but must question whether they actually form a sentence. Also, how would KG feel if he knew he was being compared to a giant kitchen cleaner?

Tough guys were everywhere this NBA spring, hammers such as David West and Carlos Boozer

UGH, seriously dude? You dont even put a period at the end of this sequence of letters (whatever it is).

But Monday with the nice ‘n’ easy Lakers was the first time anybody has used the word crush.

Incorrect, I know for a fact there is a movie called Blue Crush. Seriously though, even if we take this at face value, that it’s the first time someone said the word “crush” in the NBA playoffs this year, is this an important point? Why is this guy making money for writing stuff? It’s just really stupid. Oh and by the way, the Celtics cruuuuuushed the Hawks in game 5.

Granted, they didn’t require much more than a pulse until the final hour of the final game.

What is the “final hour of the final game”? A game is 48 minutes. Is this the “final hour in the running timer that is Bill Plaschke’s mind” clock?

But nowhere in the NBA today does that pulse beat harder than underneath barely sweaty, slightly torn gold jerseys that brushed quickly through their first mountain.

Read that again, from “underneath” to the end. This guy just sucks (Now that’s insightful analysis!!). WHy the hell are we using the word mountain? I guess the Lakers may meet the Jazz next, who kinda had mountains on their jersey at some point, even though they are called the jazz, which is weird because theyre from utah, and utah doesn’t really do jazz well. Where were we? Oh yeah, run on sentences.

What the San Antonio Spurs couldn’t do, what the Boston Celtics didn’t come close to doing, the Lakers have done, sweeping their first-round series against the Denver Nuggets on Monday with a 107-101 victory in Game 4 at the Pepsi Center.

Thanks for getting us back on track Bill. now for some analysis.

We know the Lakers can beat a loosely coached, barely attentive flyweight. How will they do against a strictly controlled, consistently punching heavyweight?

My favorite Laker game to this day is back in the early nineties when they beat an out-of-retirement George Foreman in a straight up classic. Or maybe that was Evander Holyfield… nope Lakers, definitely Lakers. (I realize this doesn’t make sense because Foreman was more the “wait until you slip up throw one huge punch and end it” type of fighter, not the “strictly controlled, consistently punching” type, but none of this makes sense, so I think I’m ok.)

”We collected ourselves,” Kobe Bryant said.

That is one way of putting it.

Another way of putting it is, crash, bang, boom.

Onomatopoeia!! Of course this Onomatopoeia makes absolutely no sense, but hey at least it’s a cool word. Couldn’t he at least have said, “Kobe showed his cool resolve against the apathetic Nuggets when he dove for a loose ball. Crash, bang, boom.” Of course this makes no sense either, but mostly because Kobe would never dive for a ball.

[Walton] threw up a looping shot.

What other kinds of shots are there? Layups, dunks, Rick Barry’s mildly less loopy underhand freethrow, and Loopy jump shots. These are your options.

The Lakers can hardly use these four games as a predictor of their future playoff toughness.

But you know something?

It matters to them.

It matters to them. No way. This is just wrong. I know for a fact that Didier Ilunga-Mbenga only tries to score to earn those free tacos for the fans. But at least he’s doing it for the fans! Derek Fisher just wants the money for his family! Ronny Turiaf doesn’t care about winning, he just cares about not dying from a heart condition (too soon? Yeah definitely).

This masterpiece is ended beautifully…

The children’s table cleared, it is now time for the Lakers to venture to the adult table probably found in Salt Lake City.

The eating will be more difficult.

The appetite, however, is unquestioned.

Go? Lakers?