It’s Time To Play…

…What the fuck does that metaphor mean?

From Plaschke’s most recent “article“

The fairy tale is that, if he wins Sunday, the Arizona Cardinals quarterback has promised to buy his family a puppy.
The reality show is that the Pittsburgh Steelers are going to whip the dog out of him.

“Whip the dog out of him” most likely means?

A) Nothing. Plaschke was trying to connect the two sentences, forgetting that theyre supposed to make sense

B) The Cards are the underdog, so the Steelers are going to “whip the dog”

C) Kurt Warner has a special lucky dog he calls “rusty.” Kurt rubs this dogs head before every game. Rusty ran away prior to Super Bowl 36, only to return this year. Troy Polimalu is going to sneak into Warner’s house and kill Rusty.

D) “Dog” means “balls”

Read on for the answer!!

There are no words

A recent Plaschke submission…

Interestingly PLaschke makes some good points, like how paying a lot for one guy sometimes isn’t a great move, maybe spreading the money around for pitching and other things helps the team more. But then he says:

If Manny Ramirez couldn’t carry this current team to that final lap during a postseason in which he hit .520, what makes you think he could ever do it?

What the fuck?

There are no words.

FUTURE EDIT: PLaschke agrees with something socal has been saying for like a month (often incoherently, in a very high pitched voice).  I’m not sure if he’s right, but I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable agreeing with him.

This is How bored I Am Right Now

I stopped doing Plaschke things because they were awful. Cept Im mad bored.

Kobe Bryant=Repect. Yup makes sense.

He never wore a swimsuit, but nobody made a bigger splash.

Right, except not right in any way. How bout f***ing Michael f***ing Phelps f***ing yeah.

He never ran a lap, yet nobody traveled farther.

Metaphorically and not metaphorically this is wrong. Cool. Hey LA Times, tuesdays and thursdays i got some free time 420-545. Need a writer?

The Beijing Olympics may initially be known for Michael Phelps’ strength and Usain Bolt’s speed, but, among American sports fans, no memory will prove as indelible as Kobe Bryant’s redemption.

Expect no, EVERYONE will remember this olympics for Phelps, and then the USA team, and then probably those 10 yr old chinese gymnists, and then number 574: Dwyane Wade being good, and then number (somehting really high) Kobe’s redemption.

“He gives it his all on every second of every play. You see that and you’re like, you’ve got to do the same thing,” said center Chris Bosh.

…about David Eckstein

“You see a guy playing that hard, you’ll do anything not to let him down.”

Said every single athlete about every single other athlete.

Every game, he’s the player pointing to other players, directing them on both sides of the court, counseling them, cheering them.

By cheering I assume you mean “screaming angry things” and yeah, this is why so many people hate kobe.

“Kobe was the guy; he was like, ‘I want to guard Manu,’ ” Paul said. “He always wants to guard the other team’s best player.”

I also want to guard the oppsing teams best player, and take the last shot. I suck at basketball.

It’s not about the numbers. It’s about the perception.

At least he admits it. It’s not about how actually good you are, it’s about how good people think you are. Problem is, no matter how many times you deny it, people hate Kobe. Sorry, they just do.

This is a terrible post, whatever i just killed 20 minutes. My work here is done

It’s under control

Someone may have noticed a lack of Plaschke posts lately (ok, you probably didn’t).  Whatever the case, it’s baseball season, which means I defer to the experts.

This HAS to be good

Usually I proof read the Plaschke columns I choose to write about to make sure they are ridiculous enough. I didn’t do that this time. I get the feeling Bill is gonna write nostalgic-ly about Lakers vs. Celtics and the good ol’ days.

LakersCeltics.

I feel good about my decision already. Or, as Plaschke would say “ifeelgoodaboutmydecisionalready”

A series big enough to be described in one word.

For nearly three decades, the most important word in basketball.

Except that it isn’t really a word. And the Lakers didn’t meet the Celtics in the Finals in the 70’s, and only met three times in the 80’s. Good series, sure, but not three decades worth.

It has been silent lately, buried since the mid-1980s underneath the far more rudimentary concepts of Badboys and MichaelsBulls and KobeShaq.

And timduncanandotherspurslikerobinsonforayearandthenginobiliandparkerandstuff. Also, hakeemthedreamandkennythejetyaknowthatguyonTNTwithbarkley- hewasonthatteamtooandsowasclydetheglideandsamcassell

LakersCeltics.

Thirteen letters long, but miles deep.

Lakers-Celtics, mad breadth.

The hair is shorter and the shorts are longer, but the story lines remain as spicy as salsa, as thick as chowder, and as enduring as the hundreds of bad regional analogies that will surely follow.

I was totally about to jump on him for these bad analogies, but then he admitted they were bad. I don’t get it though, is salsa an LA thing? I thought it was like a Mexican thing. Ya know, those guys south of LA. They aren’t white so I don’t expect you to know them.

Remember four years ago, after the trade of Shaquille O’Neal, when only one NBA player had the nerve to publicly rip Kobe Bryant for his alleged role in it?

That player was Ray Allen, and guess who will be guarding Bryant this week?

Said Allen in 2004: “He’s going to be very selfish. And he feels like he needs to show the league and the people of this country that he is better without Shaq.”

Responded Bryant: “Don’t put me and him in the same sentence.”

How’s this Kobe? “Ray Allen is a much better three point shooter than Kobe Bryant. Ray Allen is a much better free throw shooter than Kobe Bryant. Ray Allen is a better actor than Kobe Bryant.”

During the fourth quarter of every home game, the Laker fans will give a standing ovation to Jack Nicholson.

What’s the over under on “you can’t handle the truth” references during this series? Probably every time Pierce scores a bucket in LA. So LOTS (hi-yooooo)

The Laker Girls

vs. the Celtic Dancers

Sluts vs. ho’s. I guess I’ll go with the Celtic dancers, because I like my ho’s to root for my team.

While the Lakers were the first team to extensively use in-game dancers, the Celtics were the last.

Boston= less slutty town? Aight, maybe its just there are more good looking women in LA. But boston women go to college and stuff.

Phil vs. Red

Coach who got 9 championships telling Jordan/Shaq/Kobe to go score, vs. coach who basically came up with every strategy used in a game over a twenty year period.

Staples Tradition

vs. Garden Tradition

None vs. none. They didn’t knock down the forum right? Any chance we could play a game there? I’m giving the edge here to the Celtics again, because TD Banknorth is a more interesting company than Staples.

Chant vs. Chant

In the early days of this championship rivalry, the Celtics fans invented the “Beat L.A.” chant.

The Lakers will respond this week with a simple, “M-V-P, M-V-P.”

The Boston chant is wish.

The Lakers chant is a reality.

Ohhhh, he just schooled/owned/pwnd us Celtic fans. The “Beat LA” chant came from the sheer brilliance/good sportsmanship/wittiness of the Boston crowd. The “MVP” chant came from every crowd everywhere at every sporting event ever played. But Kobe did win this year. Good effort buddy.

Clothesline vs. Lifeline

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the Celtics were real tough guys during Kevin McHale’s legendary clothesline foul of Kurt Rambis in the 1984 Finals.

But check out the video. Just so you know. Look who helped Rambis off the floor and seemed to be apologizing for the foul.

Yeah, Larry Bird.

I like to think his point here is that the Celtics are wusses because Bird tried to help up Rambis in a effort of good sportsmanship. Remember that time Rae Carruth killed his girlfriend? We need more of that kind of anger in sports.

Mitch vs. Danny

It was the Celtics’ Danny Ainge who pocketed — literally — this year’s tiny executive-of-the-year trophy.

But it was the Lakers’ Mitch Kupchak who deserved it.

Right, Kupchak fleeced the idiot grizzlies. It was a great move. On the other hand, Ainge only orchestrated the GREATEST TURNAROUND RECORD-WISE IN THE HISTORY OF THE NBA WITH TWO AMAZING TRADES THAT WERE AWESOME AND DONE BY HIM, THE GM, HENCE DESERVING OF THE BEST GM AWARD. Also, Kupchak drafted Jordan Farmar, so I think he is barred for life from ever receiving the award.

After the Celtics lose in five games, a simple goodbye wave will do.

Hey he made a prediction! But isn’t this the same guy that said Pau Gasol was scared of the away crowd at Utah games? That blamed Kobe for disappearing when it mattered most? I now know that the Celtics will not lose in 5 games. Maybe, they lose in 4, 6, or 7, but they will definitely not lose in 5. (or maybe they will, whatever. They also said that the giants had no chance. It’s kinda cool to be underdogs again.)

Wow, this was longwinded and unentertaining. I guess I should proofread the Plaschke articles before I write about them. Oh well, it’s 3 AM and it only took me 10 minutes. Just remember,

plaschkeisdumbandshouldn’tbeaprofessionalwriter- heusesstupidwritinggimmicsthatathirdgraderwouldn’tuse

Are you obsessed with Bill Plaschke?

Lemme answer this. Obsessed is a strong word. How do I put this? (To Bill Plaschke) “I’m sick of you bad professional writers. All you do is annoy me. So I’ve been sent here to destroy you.” Yeah, that works. Thanks for helpin me with that line, Marshall.

The Lakers are doing awesome. Awesomely awesome. They are the second team to make it to the Conference Finals. If only I could create a cool metaphor for this…

A season that began in tiny torn pieces is halfway toward becoming one eye-popping, jaw-dropping quilt.

Nope.

A dreamcoat, it would be.

Are we comparing the Lakers to Joseph from the Bible now? You know Joseph was beaten nearly to death by his brothers right after he received his “dreamcoat.” Who are the brothers in this scenario? The Hornets?

Eight more wins, it would take.

Ok, it all makes sense now. Plaschke is fluent in Chinese only. So he types what he wants to write into freetranslation.com and translates directly to English (don’t bother paying those professionals, what a rip-off!). That is the only explanation I have for how awful this sentence is. 另外八次勝利，它會拿。!!!

The Lakers on Friday reached the midway point of their patchwork journey toward a previously unimaginable NBA title in typical many-colored fashion.

Quilt reference #2!

They turned out the lights on the league’s best home court.

They put out the fire in the league’s most consistently intense team.

What is with his obsession with these strange mixed metaphors? He always uses them, they never make sense, and he always lists like two or three in a row just for good measure.

They ruined Utah native Pip Pirrup’s new Pettycoat with their intense defense.

Kobe’s game was the Crème brûlée compared to Carlos Boozer’s Hungryman Microwave dinner.

Just kidding. I wrote those myself. But you actually believed he had written that for a second didn’t you?

Didn’t you?

Game, Set, Wasatch.

Anyone have any idea what Wasatch means? Is this an LA thing? Am I to dumb at sports to understand? I have no idea what this means.

Denver done, Utah used, two series gone, two more to go, the Lakers now set to enjoy home-court advantage in the conference finals against the winner of Monday’s semifinal Game 7 between New Orleans and San Antonio.

Good factualness, but “Utah used?” I like to think the metaphor he’s goin for here can only be truly understood by some middle aged lady in LA that Plaschke used to date. I’ll get you Plaschke!

But at this point in the postseason, everyone is watching the Lakers.

I’m pretty sure this isn’t true. I’m pretty sure Eastern Conference teams have enough to deal with right now. I’m pretty sure Kevin Garnett just meditates 22 hours a day and the other 2 hours are dedicated to practice and eating some weird concoction that looks like gruel.

When spring began, most pegged the Lakers as a conference finals team at best, or perhaps potential losers in the NBA Finals to the Boston Celtics.

This isn’t really correct. Nobody really had any idea what was gonna happen this year. Except that Boston or Detroit was coming out of the East. And that definitely will still happen (seriously, if the Cavs advance, Pistons in 5).

So far in this postseason, the Lakers have been the only team to sweep a series.

Not as impressive as the Pistons beating the Magic (I like that I challenge what he says even though he now thinks that the Lakers are looking awesome, which is what I’ve been saying all along. Somehow he still manages to be wrong.)

So far, they are only the second team to win a conference semifinal game on the road.

The Pistons were the first, so yeah, they were more impressive here too.

So far, they have racked up the most impressive two-game stretch of anybody, leading from start to finish in their last two games against the 54-win Jazz.

Possible, but I’m gonna disagree because the Pistons have been sitting at home for like 6 days now. I’m also docking him for previously writing about Pau Gasol being scared and stuff, and now saying the Lakers are good.

So far, nobody has looked tougher or smarter or better.

Pistons.

Are they really good enough to not only reach the Finals, but win there?

Yeah definitely, WE ALL KNEW THIS ALREADY. But it is the playoffs, so crazy stuff could happen.

Put it another way:

Is there any question they haven’t answered?

1) Why did this team lose to the Celtics by twenty twice, but is cruising through the playoffs while the Celtics are struggling?

2) Why doesn’t Lamar Odom get the ball more?

3) Why does jordan Farmar ever play?

4) A pirate ship holding five pirates finds a treasure of 1000 golden coins. The treasure must be split among the five pirates. They are, in order of rank: Pirate 1, Pirate 2, Pirate 3, Pirate 4, and Pirate 5.

The pirates have three important characteristics: infinitely smart, infinitely bloodthirsty, and infinitely greedy.

Starting with the lowest ranked Pirate 5, they each must propose a way to split the treasure among them. If the proposal is not accepted by a majority of the pirates, the proposing pirate will be thrown overboard.

What proposal should Pirate 5 make?

I definitely want to see Kobe try to answer that one. (and yes I do know the answer, and yes I did copy it from another site)

With the exception of that strange overtime in Game 4, Bryant deferred to his teammates when his back was aching or his jump shot was jiggling, and his teammates responded.

So when a jump shot “jiggles” that means its missing? Ok, noted.

Eight wins down, eight wins to go, halfway there, feels like halfway home.

Hey, not a usual infinitely chessy/horrible last line from Plaschke. This sounds more like a last line of a mildly not bad college essay. I’d say this line puts Plaschke somewhere between Worchester Polytechnic Institute and Providence College. Solid schools.

Good job Billy! You’ll make us proud someday. Just don’t ever become a writer.

This is gonna be my last post for a few days, probably. I’m traveling to the other side of Boston because a hobo friend of mine told me that there were a few bridges down there that never leak, and are in close vicinity to one of those nun places that give away free food. I love stale bread. I don’t promise that I won’t try to post from the road, but just don’t expect the same quality. If it’s possible to expect worse, do that.

Bill Plaschke: I Will Destroy You

It’s kinda fun to point out when someone is awful at something. Bill Plaschke is awful at writing. I wanted to cheer myself up so here’s his newest piece. I laughed, I cried, I plaschked.

First, the back spasms.

Then, the blame spasms.

Plaschke is always money with his opening lines. Workin hard or (check this) HARDLY WORKIN?!! Puns/word games are a plaschke staple- so you know he’s good.

And only on the Lakers, it seems, could a newly crowned MVP once again find himself smack in the middle of the smack.

I think I’ll find that the Lakers are fine. Seemingly untrapped in a pile of crazy, evil, interweaving “smack,” but ol’ Billy just wants to make up a story about something that isn’t there.

Playing through three hours worth of back pain that literally dropped him to his knees on a Sunday afternoon here, Kobe Bryant was splendidly, brilliantly tough in the Lakers’ 123-115 overtime playoff loss to the Utah Jazz.

Kobe was ok. But he was also, like, weird.

But he was also, like, weird.

Stop stealing my lines!

Kobe shot the ball kind of badly. You can’t really blame him. He was a little injured.

Bryant valiantly carried the Lakers through regulation’s final five minutes, using his head and his heart and the best Mother’s Day passing that didn’t involve a brunch plate.

But once he pulled his team into the overtime, he seemingly abandoned them there. He insisted on shooting even as his wracked body was betraying those shots. He forgot about passing even though that is what the Lakers had done best.

Kobe is good. He’s allowed to shoot. He’s good at shooting. He’s not a perfect passer. He’s close to a perfect offensive player. Him shooting is good. He didn’t “abandon” them. He did the opposite and you’re blaming him for it. He unabandoned them too much because he missed some shots he’s made before. Give him a break.

And afterward, the confusion became even more confusing.

It’s really not that confusing. Recap: Kobe played pretty well. He helped them come back, he missed a few shots in overtime, the lakers lost, and Bill Plaschke is a bad writer.

Whatever, not much else to be gleaned from this article, Plaschke just keeps dissing Kobe when it’s not really called for. At least we get this quote from Lamar Odom,

“P.J. is the coach, he’s watching from the sidelines, he sees things different than we do, and sometimes P.J. just says things to get us going.”

He called his coach Phil Jackson “P.J.” Now that’s awesome. No “Coach Phil”, or “Mr. Jackson.” Just “P.J.”

In case I’ve never pointed this out, Odom is the man and Plaschke is not.

Let’s All Overreact!!

Bill Plaschke. My favorite writer. Strikes again. With his weird. Strangely cutoff. Short sentence style. Let’s get. Right to it.

“We could have won this game,” Lamar Odom said, shaking his head.

My boy Lamar stating the truth. It was a close game at the end. It coulda gone either way. Let’s blow this way out of proportion shall we?

But the story was what you didn’t see.

The independent clause of this sentence?

The moral was what you couldn’t feel.

Plaschke’s got mad passive voice skillz.

The outcome was due, in part, to what you could barely hear.

Anything? Utah has a great crowd. Tough to hear things there. Home court advantage, like, matters. I’d say that had an impact.

But here comes the best part… brace yourself… keep bracing… Now UNBRACE!!… now brace again…

paugasol.

Yup, this is what he puts for what you couldn’t hear. Pau Gasol’s italicized, uncapitalized name.

Faced with the most intense, physical postseason game of his career, late-season giant Pau Gasol shrank to an indiscernible size in the Lakers’ 104-99 loss to the Utah Jazz at EnergySolutions Arena.

Ok, so Pau didn’t have his greatest game ever (12 points, 6 rebounds, 5 turnovers), but don’t you think you are overacting a little here? The Lakers have looked RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME AT BASKETBALL in the postseason. In fact, this was the first game they lost. This is a Celtic fan talking. Sometimes teams lose a game. Bill? Bill are you there? I think he went swimming.

Gasol, a novice in these deeper waters, proved he also can sink.

???

Handed its first real test of June-worthiness, that great basketball brain flunked.

Faced with its first playoff adversity, that gentle smile became a whine.

Jarred for the first time with playoff desperation, those beautiful passes were junked.

Playing in America instead of Spain, the torero got gored in the balls.

Trying hard in his seventh playoff game, the pressure finally bursted his manometer.

Short pithy phrase describing the situation, description of how Gasol is crappy.

LA Times, I want a job!!

“It was loud,” Gasol said. “It was intense.”

I wonder if Gasol knew how much Bill Plaschke was going to overreact to this quote. EVERYONE thinks Utah is loud.

In his tired eyes you could see the confirmation of one more sentence.

It was awful.

OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS. First a tired eyes comment (he’s not Derek Jeter I guess). Then the ridiculous overreaction. Here’s what Bill wanted to write: “Save me Plaschke!!” said Gasol, staring me down seductively, “I can’t play basketball with people yelling around me!! I’ve never had to do that before, even when I played games in this very arena earlier this year!!”

Suddenly, if the Lakers aren’t careful with their two-games-to-one lead, it could be that way for the rest of the summer

Does anyone really think the Lakers are in trouble here? I don’t see the Jazz winning at the staples center.

Gasol had a team-high five blunders, throwing the ball in the stands or dribbling it off his foot or just losing it to players who wanted it more.

Notice how he used “blunders” instead of turnovers. Brilliant. Now that’s award winning journalism.

By disappearing, Gasol has become the Lakers’ marked man.

See what he did there? I see it. That makes me an award winning reader.

In the fourth quarter he had a basket, and two rebounds, and a hand in one of those three consecutive steals.

C’mon buddy. Back up your thesis, man.

Alas, though, he actually played too long, throwing the ball away in the final seconds with the Lakers trailing by five.

HaHA! Caught ya Plaschke! You thought I wouldn’t have actually watched the game and would just take you on your word because you are an award winning journalist. This turnover had almost no bearing on the outcome of the game. The game was already over. Didn’t this happen with like 5 seconds left?

They also can’t wither when the wind gets tough and, man, with the Utah crowd screaming and chanting for nearly three consecutive hours, that was one mighty wind.

Note to Bill: Plants don’t wither when the wind gets tough. They wither when they don’t get enough nutrients. Tell Pau to drink a lot of Miracle Grow. I guarantee a victory in game 4.

“I’ve got to go do my job now, protect the ball, go harder, play physical,” he said.

And maybe, while he’s at it, he could also send a postcard back to Andrew Bynum.

Wish you were here.

Bynum would certainly help. Mostly because he could protect Pau from all the bullies. The Lakers are now 6-1 in the playoffs. They have a better record in the playoffs than… EVERYONE. I think they’ll be fine.

I Guess I’ll Be Posting Unchecked About The Lakers

There was gonna be a Laker fan contributing to this blog, but now that there isnt… Lakers suck.

With that out of the way, lets take a look at this timeless classic from Bill Plaschke.

Big bristly brooms were everywhere in these NBA playoffs, giant kitchen cleaners such as Tim Duncan and Kevin Garnett.

We’re off to a great start. Already we see words but must question whether they actually form a sentence. Also, how would KG feel if he knew he was being compared to a giant kitchen cleaner?

Tough guys were everywhere this NBA spring, hammers such as David West and Carlos Boozer

UGH, seriously dude? You dont even put a period at the end of this sequence of letters (whatever it is).

But Monday with the nice ‘n’ easy Lakers was the first time anybody has used the word crush.

Incorrect, I know for a fact there is a movie called Blue Crush. Seriously though, even if we take this at face value, that it’s the first time someone said the word “crush” in the NBA playoffs this year, is this an important point? Why is this guy making money for writing stuff? It’s just really stupid. Oh and by the way, the Celtics cruuuuuushed the Hawks in game 5.

Granted, they didn’t require much more than a pulse until the final hour of the final game.

What is the “final hour of the final game”? A game is 48 minutes. Is this the “final hour in the running timer that is Bill Plaschke’s mind” clock?

But nowhere in the NBA today does that pulse beat harder than underneath barely sweaty, slightly torn gold jerseys that brushed quickly through their first mountain.

Read that again, from “underneath” to the end. This guy just sucks (Now that’s insightful analysis!!). WHy the hell are we using the word mountain? I guess the Lakers may meet the Jazz next, who kinda had mountains on their jersey at some point, even though they are called the jazz, which is weird because theyre from utah, and utah doesn’t really do jazz well. Where were we? Oh yeah, run on sentences.

What the San Antonio Spurs couldn’t do, what the Boston Celtics didn’t come close to doing, the Lakers have done, sweeping their first-round series against the Denver Nuggets on Monday with a 107-101 victory in Game 4 at the Pepsi Center.

Thanks for getting us back on track Bill. now for some analysis.

We know the Lakers can beat a loosely coached, barely attentive flyweight. How will they do against a strictly controlled, consistently punching heavyweight?

My favorite Laker game to this day is back in the early nineties when they beat an out-of-retirement George Foreman in a straight up classic. Or maybe that was Evander Holyfield… nope Lakers, definitely Lakers. (I realize this doesn’t make sense because Foreman was more the “wait until you slip up throw one huge punch and end it” type of fighter, not the “strictly controlled, consistently punching” type, but none of this makes sense, so I think I’m ok.)

”We collected ourselves,” Kobe Bryant said.

That is one way of putting it.

Another way of putting it is, crash, bang, boom.

Onomatopoeia!! Of course this Onomatopoeia makes absolutely no sense, but hey at least it’s a cool word. Couldn’t he at least have said, “Kobe showed his cool resolve against the apathetic Nuggets when he dove for a loose ball. Crash, bang, boom.” Of course this makes no sense either, but mostly because Kobe would never dive for a ball.

[Walton] threw up a looping shot.

What other kinds of shots are there? Layups, dunks, Rick Barry’s mildly less loopy underhand freethrow, and Loopy jump shots. These are your options.

The Lakers can hardly use these four games as a predictor of their future playoff toughness.

But you know something?

It matters to them.

It matters to them. No way. This is just wrong. I know for a fact that Didier Ilunga-Mbenga only tries to score to earn those free tacos for the fans. But at least he’s doing it for the fans! Derek Fisher just wants the money for his family! Ronny Turiaf doesn’t care about winning, he just cares about not dying from a heart condition (too soon? Yeah definitely).

This masterpiece is ended beautifully…

The children’s table cleared, it is now time for the Lakers to venture to the adult table probably found in Salt Lake City.

The eating will be more difficult.

The appetite, however, is unquestioned.

Go? Lakers?